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  • Phoebe Holman

Just getting there....

So here’s my first blog post, don’t read on if you don’t want to engage with my brutal honesty, this blog is as much for me as it is for anyone who reads it. After leaving my jumper in the hotel and having to go back and get it, I was then graced with the joys of not being allowed to check in because I had no onward flight. I assumed you can book one way tickets and not have to plan the next step but in this modern controlling world you can’t, so I dropper my stuff and frantically searched Skyscanner and booked a flight to the Andaman Islands for a months time, excellent! At least this way it means I am actually going, every cloud really does have a silver lining. The check in lady was amazing, she calmed me down, made me think about what I was doing and then kindly changed my plane seat to one where I have three seats to myself, what a gem. Rushing through the airport was a faff and of course my gate was the furthest, a 15 min run/walk away, nothing like a last minute flight booking and a mad dash to the plane to ease the lone travelling nerves. Anyway, I got to my flight and it’s all good and I was sat on the plane, thinking about all the people I will miss and the people I wished I’d said goodbye too, one person springs to mind, he just so happens to be the other side of the world himself. This trip is inspired by him, our life together and we both need our time apart to see the world and explore ourselves. Whilst I was in the airport hotel before I left, a very old friend who I hadn’t spoken to in over 10 years got in touch last night and said to me, “quote Arron” your a cracker don’t be afraid, flip the script, be excited. So through my bleary eyes and little tears, whilst thinking about and whatsapping Jack , I decided to do just that and picked up the first book I bought to read. Wanting to read self help books on holiday is a goal whilst I’m away,  as this trip is about finding me, whoever the hell I might be. So, I picked up Purpose by Jessica Huie, a book suggested to me by a dear friend Rob, thank you darling. In the intro she writes, “For my entire life, I’ve required a level of controlled perfection of myself that has been impossible to realise and sustain. I’ve cracked a silent whip on my back with a ferociousness no enemy would inflict upon me, demanding more, to the detriment of my self-worth, as ‘enough’ became an unobtainable mirage. ...” I completely identify with this and realise my self worth really is something I don’t have a hold on.  I don’t understand why I don’t feel satisfied with myself and my own achievements, of which I have many and should be proud of. Well I guess what I am trying to say is this trip, however long it may be is that it’s about tackling the things I find difficult about myself and working through them. I don’t just want a holiday, I want to learn to love myself the way my family and friends do. Cheesy as that may be, something has to change and I want to be happy with what I have. So, the way I am going to start to do that is by reading my books, then hopefully I will gain insight from the people I meet, the places I see and more importantly embrace the hard times I have whilst away. I will get sad and probably be lonely but in that I’m sure I will start to question, learn and ground myself.  I am now open, like I’ve never been before, I am somewhat vulnerable (who isn’t?) but I am tough, so let’s  see what happens. Next post I’m sure will be a gushy one about the wonders of india.... stay tuned!



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